The Burden of Uncertainty

It is such a heavy burden, feeling inadequate.  The emotion arises so often in me that it becomes painful.  I see myself as less than most of my peers and wonder where I went wrong in my journey.  It is difficult because I now recognize that I am existing in such a negative space. This space is based on lack and the ignoring of what I do have and where I should feel blessed.  It is a struggle.  It’s the makeup that was created decades, maybe even generations ago that I cannot break past.  It is a struggle.

I am greater than what others have determined me

I spend time with, watch, observe and communicate with women in my life seeming to excel at their careers, their families, their marriages.  I consider myself less and I often wonder if my mate thinks less of me because I don’t have the jobs of many of my friends.  That I don’t walk with the same financial equality.  I feel sorry for myself.  I feel ashamed.  I feel lost.  I feel disappointed in myself.  I’m not sure if anyone will understand these words.  This is such a low period in my life.  I feel alone in my struggles.  I desire to regain my purpose without the chaos controlled of corporate America.  I have no desire to be locked into the belief that I am successful because of some bonus structure based on someone else’s design of my life.  I am annoyed.  I am frustrated.

My desire for myself is life without financial struggle, without lack of confidence, without absurdity of other’s influence.  I feel as though my words are rambling at this point.  I just can’t pinpoint where I should spend my time in order to achieve my true goals. 

After much work and much effort and much time, I have come to a point of awareness.  I have spent so much time walking in the purpose not intended for me. I have sought

approval from others who haven’t found their own personal approval.  It’s as if I have spent my first six decades doing, being, existing based on the expectations of others in me.  So now, here I am basically starting over.  I have a ginormous mountain of debt, a relationship full of uncertainties, hurts, and blames. Not a lot to stand on beside my own feet.

This is my journey, “Beyond Survival”

This is where we start together "Beyond Survival"